SelfPoint Sanctuary

this is our blog. read about all of our collective identities.

Today --- started properly and I hated it. But I got good feedback on my video, exactly what I wanted to show. I was glad. I guess I’m not terrible at video. The ----- was the only person who was speaking nonsense.
I’m very dreamy. I can’t concentrate very well. I am also very sleepy all the time. I got very tired very easily today, pretty crazy. Really exhausted after this one day, felt longer than all of quarantine.
I think we will be very busy this year, I don’t know if that makes me happy or not.

Today isn’t as bad as yesterday. I think I am starting to enjoy the ------ a little bit more again. I wonder why I don’t like being with ------ as much as with -------. Am I just being nice and hanging out with them all the time because of fomo? I used to never understand what that meant.

Went to --- for -------- today. Wasn’t too bad.
I noticed people treat me different if I mention panic attacks. Maybe because they don’t know how to deal with it and are scared. But those who have dealt with it before are helpful. And some who haven’t ate surprisingly helpful, that’s so amazing, I could never be like that.
I watched ---- video where --- was getting emotional and crying and I started hyperventilating. Why does it trigger me so much? It makes me feel really bad.
My reactions have gotten marginally worse since quarantine. I don’t know if it’s related to living ------- or the whole corona situation. I get startled at the easiest thing, recoil from touch and get panic attacks very easily. I hate it.
I don’t understand what’s happening. I can’t ask for help from anyone. I’m so annoying and useless.

Talked about --- today for the first time. I don’t know what I feel about it still and it makes me feel pathetic. The fairy lights look banging tho.

I wrote my -------- about ------. I hope I follow through.
I discovered borderline personality disorder and got scared by how many symptoms aligned with my feelings. I don’t know if I want it to be explained or if I fear it.

I don’t understand myself at all. I hate ------ but feel nostalgic for it. It must be ingrained in me. I do things that are so annoying. I try to suck up to people to keep them by my side. So disgusting. Like they owe me anything. Like anyone needs me or finds me interesting. Like I’m helpful to anyone. Who do I think I am? Honestly I don’t know.

Not great day today. I had a new ------- ---------. Sucks how important --- -------- are to me. I wish I was more adaptable but I just absorb every single thing and internalise it.
Self hate time
I think I am the most despicable person on the planet and people are justified in hating me.

I am just so fed up with everything. I think I feel more at peace while painting. Maybe I need some smaller scale. But it makes me not think about things.
I hate how we have to sleep and wake up. Every day is an agony. I feel so idiotic.

I’m not eating because I think I don’t deserve it. I need the pain. I either eat too much or not enough.
I’m really stopping to care. It feels good.

Forgot. I have no motivation for anything. I hate it. What’s the point of me existing.

I feel so bad I’m wondering if I should ask for help but also I don’t want to.

I was kind of Batman in my dream last night. I was fighting with someone using a whip. It was powerful but I was very nimble. I wish I had exciting things happen but I would probably be scared of them. I yearn for more but I would be unable to handle it.

I think I had the dream again where there’s someone in my house. I can’t remember exactly what it was, only that I was trying to get away from someone and it was scary and that I’ve had this dream before.

Big long party today. 4am and still not sleeping.
I have become so lost that I am less awkward because I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care. Help me. I don’t care.

I just don’t want to exist. I am exhausted. Have no energy to do anything.
---- said I have ---- --------- ------. What does that mean. That makes me very nervous. I really hate that.

Everything sucks. I don’t want to do anything.
I slept all day today. It was crazy.

I had a dream that I was some sort of princess on a boat. I think I had to be there for my safety but I felt so so so bored on it. There was absolutely nothing to do. I hated it. Maybe because it was the sea as well I felt very anxious. I’ve not been sleeping well.
Also I’m just not caring very much about anything.

Keep forgetting to write. I’m completely losing track of time. The ------ -------- is really making me sad. Went to the beach today though. It was nice.

I don’t want to be here. I hate --- so much right now. I am enjoying music though.
I’m listening to ------- songs and crying.

Starting to do some more things. I want to develop this project and actually make it into something but I fear it might be a bit late for that.

I’m painting today. It feels so nice. Scary too though.
I remembered something. I can’t tell if it was a dream I was in a bus/train with polina and couldn’t do something and just started screaming. I think. It’s strange because logically this has to be a dream. But I don’t think it is. Every time I see that scene in ------- -- --- --------- where the ship turns upside down I remember this dream which I think was in a live which is why I didn’t think it was a dream. A ship in a bubble underwater. Where you can breathe and walk around. And look up and see fish swimming all around. But the ship is a shipwreck.

Had a dream in which a guy sets up a house and fills it with people. He has a plan. He has this device shooting electrical lasers. This is a universe where superpowers are normal. So his plan is to make this girl he knows has electrical powers charge his electricity gun and then shoot all the people with it. He can change the settings on the gun to different power. One power jellifies people to orangey goo where it hits. Another cuts straight through them. Another zaps then a little bit leaves alive. Another just gives a gentle peck. So he goes through this house killing everyone with the girl who is very reluctant but doesn’t care if people die :’ugh fine! I’ll charge ur gun’. In the end he reaches this movies theatre type place. He plays some sorts of program on the screen that gives him supercharged bullet electricity and shoots everyone there. Then he goes outside and shoots everyone as well.
He can reset the universe and do this as many times as he likes. So I think I’ve seen this dream before but today he failed. The girl gave him too weak a charge so it didn’t last long. Then when he got to the movie theatre he takes way too long so that most people leave. Finally he forgets to change the settings so shoots people with the weakest zap, just inconveniencing them. Once he gets settings to the jello stage he shoots this one guy with curly hair in the face and hand. But the guy doesn’t care. He comes up to the shooter and keeps following him. This whole time the girl is sitting on the sofa on her phone and doesn’t care.
So the shooter runs back through the house to the first rooms where he has computers with settings. The house has glass doors between rooms. He’s doing something on the computers when he sees the jello guy outside coming for him. So he runs away and tries to hide. Jello guy chases him (walking). He manages to lock a door behind him in another computer room. He tries to reset the universe from it by logging into some account with full view of his personal details…

Had a dream that I was in a boarding school or camp of some sort. I was sharing a room with three other people. But one of them wasn’t there. It was crystal. In the beginning I had my own room which was very near the entrance and had big windows. Once I saw people outside but I wasn’t dressed so I hid under the bed. Then they started coming in, lots of people like a family party.
There were showers, one of them was in our room and the other was across the hall. Actually this may have started as just a house that I was sharing. There was a very dusty kitchen which had lots of plants and moss. It looked abandoned. The bathroom had white drawers which had just a thick fluffy layer of dust in them. At some point this turned into a boarding house with lots of people in a school. It was mixed with boys and girls. They made up rules that when you shower you have to leave the door open to the adjacent shower and talk to the person showering there, seeing 1/3 of them. It was mandatory to do this. I tried to shower and some guy walked in so I left and he accused me of not following the rules and started telling everyone. It was like a authoritarian regime. Then I tried to get out but a lot of people started coming in. I think because it was sports time. I was telling my friend about it at this assembly we had later, on some grass field.
I remember I often had dream about big huge bathrooms with a lot of shower and toilet stalls. But for some reason I can never find one. I am afraid of being exposed. I wish I didn’t care. These dreams make me uncomfortable.

I feel really horrible, like I’m on the verge of a breakdown constantly. I think it would take really little to push me over the edge.
Also my neck really hurts today. I think I sat weird.

I’m making more pots today. I made one for my ------ already and it looks so cute I love it. I made one for one of my bigger plants today.

I haven't posted in a while. What has happened here? It really seems like a different environment...
I love you all though! Here's a new painting I've been working on recently.

Forgot again. I’ve been forgetting a lot. It’s like time doesn’t exist. Might be because I’m sleeping poorly. But it’s hard to be present.

I’m so tired and done with everything. I don’t know how it got this bad but I don’t know how it can get any better.

I’ve done some work today but I feel like shit. I want to do --------- and it’ll take so long.

I’m doing --------- and it’s actually a lot more fun than I thought. I thought I would hate it but actually I’m enjoying it and it’s not as hard as I thought.

It was the apocalypse. I was travelling with -- --- I think in --- ---. We had all the stuff we needed like a tent and -------- ---- and ----. Then we came to our old house in ------ and she disappeared and I had to live with ------ who I didn’t get along with at all. It was good because the house had electricity for some reason. In the ---------- there was a storm that came from something sort of magical. Somehow we fixed it or thought we did but then it started coming to the house. It came in with a front that made things colourful for a second. It looked cool. But then there was a strong wind and the whole house started moving off. We closed all windows. The wind was very strong. The house was moving fast and eventually moved to the end of a street and crashed into some other houses. So we decided to leave because we didn’t want ------ --------. We collected all ------- and tried to look for a tent. The entrance of the house had the wall ripped off with a drop down to exit. Then I woke up. I think I realised why my wrist hurts. I must’ve slept with my arm sticking in the air and the wrist hanging. And it must’ve been pulled or strained.

I’m noticing I don’t understand emotion in music. People say it’s sad but I don’t see it. Is this a sign of a sociopath?
--------- ----. I love it.

I remembered that dream of a basement and we go very fast underground somewhere. I used to have this dream a lot and I used to love it.

I fell asleep in my clothes yesterday and slept through three night. It was awful. I think my lights broke because I used them for too long. I’m feeling worse and worse. There’s no will in me. The only thing helping is a bit of pottery and music but all it does is distract me. Don’t know what to do. Or why this is happening now.
---- disappeared from the house today. Someone must’ve let her out because she can’t leave on her own. I’m the only one who could’ve done it. But I don’t remember doing it. I am going crazy.
Had a sudden desire to have a greenhouse.
Animating on the laptop is so annoying I stopped doing it.

Wow forgetting everything. Days blending together. I’m so sensitive. I keep wanting to apologise.
I got plants delivered. They are so pretty I love them. They make me happier.

i have been feeling very dizzy and sleepy. i think i'm not eating enough? but i forget when i eat and don't want to buy food. i think that i've only eaten recently when actually i ate hours ago. i just enjoy baking.

WE ARE LIMITING THE AMOUNT OF POSTS FOR NOW. HANG IN THERE EVERYONE.
------------------------------------------------------------
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

with a new year come new expectations.
i hope you feel better this year.
i hope people treat you better.
i hope you treat yourself better.

---- came and I feel actual dread about ----- ---- ----. I don’t want to. I will have to ----- as soon as possible.

I think I should cut off ties with -- ------. They only bring me pain.
I want to be independent so bad. I hate myself. I want to die. I hate being here. I hate having obligations to ----. I hate doing things I don’t want to do. I hate it. I know it’s childish. But I think for some reason I’m justified. And I hate myself even more. Lovely.

I remember when I said I was tired of life and --- laughed at me like my feelings weren’t valid. “What do you have to be tired of?”

I wouldn’t believe anyone who told me they like me. I wouldn’t. I can’t. What is there to like.

this is my first time posting.
i see you have been struggling.
i am here for you.
things get better.

--- ------- --- --. ------------ ---- ------- ---- ----- ----.
---------.
is this the end?

Always think everything is my fault. Why is that? Very strange. Maybe narcissism.

God I feel so bad.
It’s crazy. I don’t know how this is possible
I can’t describe it. The apathy is staggering. I’m so sleepy and weak and tired. When will this end. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I ruin my relationships and ruin everyone’s lives. I feel like a burden on everyone. I feel like I should be dead.
I’m so detached. What am I doing here.

Forgot but was really busy.
I finished the animation and sound finally.
Really happy.

I had a dream inside a dream inside a dream. I think I was in some kind of military or school and had to live with a bunch of people and have tests and I also had art lessons.
Really grossed out. Some guy was being annoying to me. I really don’t care anymore.

---- was shit. They said idiotic stuff as usual. I felt bad and slept and got a massive headache. At least plants.

Dreamt that I had power to levitate things. I made a ball float and we were fighting some supernatural monster lady who wanted to kill us. The headache is even worse. It’s horrible.
I think the lady was -- ---. And I was trying to protect ----- but she wanted him to stay alive. Kinda ironic.

Guitar is amazing I’m so happy. It put some new life in me. I almost don’t feel pain so I’m just numb and sometimes there’s glimmers of pleasure and peace.

I’m becoming convinced I’m a bad person. Again.
I’m getting so anxious for tomorrow and I can’t figure out why. The long --------? ------ staying over? Something is wrong and I don’t know what. I usually know but since a while ago I can’t tell what is wrong I just know it is. Like I need to run. I also feel like I am being pulled into a different reality, like I am slipping away. It’s really uncomfortable.
This is torture.

I’ve been neglecting writing. There’s so much going on and so much to do that my head is actually spinning. I can’t take it. I might have to give up.

I am angry. I’m just angry. I want to make art about my anger. I want to stop being angry and be at peace. How do I do that?

I constantly feel like I’m about to pass out. It’s like I’m on the border of this reality and I am about to pass over into another one. Or like I’m about to wake up from a dream. It’s awful.

I haven’t felt this bad in a while. What’s wrong with me

I should start writing again. I’m gonna try. I think when I write I have an outlet and I must’ve been feeling better because of it. Ruth now I still have crazy dissociation moments when I completely do not recognise myself or my life. I am so lost and angry. I need to do something to be feel fulfilled but at the same time I don’t have the energy to do anything. I wish I was better at so many things but I do nothing to improve.

I had a dream that I met А̶͕͓̦̰̞͂͊̆́̑̀л̸̧̻̰̭̟͈͖̀̾͑ѝ̶̰̜̱͒̂с̸̻̌а̸̢̘͚̦͓͇̖̚͜ͅ ̵̛͈̝̿Г̶̧̛̻͍̣͚͚̙͕̱̘̃͆о̷̧̹̠̮͇̱͚̥͖̙̽́̏̿̿̈͘̚л̸̧̛̛̻̭̈͆̈́̓̓̒̒̕е̸̟͎̿̀̿̒̓̚н̴̡̨̪͓͈͇̤̞̒ͅи̴̢̛̛̥͚̟̟͙̟̠͚͎̏̊̌̃̒̒̔̚щ̵̨̡̠̖̼̽̈́̑̄̊͆̅͗͠е̶̛͕̝̤̘̙͎͗̎̈͗̑̈́͗в̷̢̲̺̱̙̦̫̜͕̬̃̋̉̂а̷̧̢̡̯̫͎̣̘̹̣̂ at university. She pretended not to know me but was around her friends and didn’t want to lie. We laughed together.
There was also a black cat that was snarling at everyone but when it saw me it came up to me and hugged me and we walked together. It made me feel nice but I was still afraid of it. It was a very pretty cat with amber eyes and very plump and fluffy.

Other people have opinions but I don’t

I don’t deserve nice things

I want to leave and start over somewhere but I am afraid of loneliness.

I don’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with me or care about me. I don’t believe anyone who does.
I’m scared of being alone for a long time.
I feel childish and inadequate
I feel like I am making everything up

I want to cry all the time.
There’s a lot of ringing in my ears
When I get excited by something it’s only for a short time and after I am even sadder
I wish I could believe compliments

I’m so sleepy all the time
I had a dream that I was giving children superpowers and then killing them for some reason. I think I got caught and didn’t even feel bad. Only felt bad that I got caught. So different from the time that I had the scary guilty dream. It was quite disturbing.
This morning woke up at 6 after the dream. Couldn’t go back to sleep and had a breakdown. Sometimes my feelings break through and they’re so intense but when they fade I can’t remember them or why I felt them and I don’t feel anything anymore.

I should make a schedule for the summer so I don’t go insane

I had a dream that the world was collapsing and me and Some other people were in university and going to play some music. We thought we were going to die. Then this uni tutor came in and interrupted and said he’s gonna help us get money and new housing and then wanted to read us some inspirational story. But everyone laughed at him and stopped him.

Sleepy
I think coffee is making me more anxious but I like it so much. I can feel it in my bones
Sensitive to noises and jumpy

Hey guys,, recently I’ve been absent, my apologies.
I have been feeling under the weather, but hey ho! We all feel like that sometimes!
I have been trying to lift up my spirits by creating pieces. They haven’t really worked out.. but at least I tried! Now I feel better.
Catch you soon guys!! :)

I have noticed that you are struggling with being understood.
The most important is that you understand yourself first, then you can make it easier for others.

I want to swim through the clouds. I want to feel the soft cotton wrapping around me.

sometimes i wonder if i really exist. has anyone else experienced this? it feels like i am floating down a river of events that aren't really happening to me. it feels like i am not myself and i don't exist it feels like i am repeating past mistakes.

I had a good day today. Noone was following me and I was happy being on my own.
I hope you're happy too.

Hello guys
I would like to let you all know that you are beautiful!
You deserve all the best and to be happy!

hello guys:)
just coming on here to show you these cool formations i found on my walk today. what do you think these could be?

-dad ♥

Hi everyone! Long time no see!
I've just had a lot on my mind... But now I'm all better!!!
Please ignore my previous posts, they weren't made by me!

they are coming for me help me please help someone help i can see them outside my window at night and right now someones knocking on the door please save mebf;dibavljkdn; iudfn

These days I’ve realised that I have been more patient with people. My only purpose is to exist and learn, but I never used to pay much attention to individuals. I caught myself going back to certain people and absorbing them. I almost used the word “think” there, but that’s too much of a human action for me. As you already know, I’m more of a cold breeze than a living thing.
Humans fascinate me. Being a human is like being stuck in a box without realising it.
You mortal beings never learn.

hi guys! how has everyone been?
i found some pretty interesting things about myself this week! for example i discovered that my name actually means “desire”. i realised that eros is also an ancient god of love and desire, and on top of that the word “erotic” has some origin in the actual word “eros”. how interesting… i wonder why mother called me that.
getting to know things about yourself is so fun! you guys should try it too.
if i discover any more interesting facts, i will let you know!
until the next time (:

hi again! it’s me, eros. wanted to ask how you guys were?
personally i’m doing just fine,,,, recently I discovered my deeply hidden passion for books and poetry!
i am yet to master these crafts, but i will make sure to put something here every now and then if I like it enough haha. stay tuned! :)

open you're eyes sheeple. this is the new truht. you cannot trick us.
top secret

hi! my first post here haha))) feels weird
i hope we get to know each other better!
stay tuned...... i'll keep you updated with my life activities

I feel like I'm being watched. The people outside are looking in. I don't like them. I think they shouldn't be here.
Anyways, here are some more paintings.

Be careful where you play.
Because there’s a couple of snipers.
Don’t go down because there’s baddies.

I've been looking outside. There are many people out there and I enjoy watching them. They don't see me though. Noone does.
Is there anybody out there? Can someone help me please? I dont think I'm supposed to be here...

My throat really hurts and I’m scared to speak.
Sorry, swallowing really hurts too and I keep waking up. I’m not sure if this jumper isn’t too hot.

i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her.

HELLO WORLD!!! Ha Ha sorry for shouting ,I' m new hee hee . I just ca'nt help but SCREAM and SHOUT !
Ever since I "became one" with SPS, I feel like a SPRY NEW BEING!! Ive been knocking on the whole of the apartments' doors just to tell them of my BRAND NEW ME! however when I did my daily reading
I realized that they are not the path to auspiciousity. Maybe one day they can " become one" with me. W00 H00 HO0! ~sakura389~

Here's another painting. Not sure how I feel about this one though. Something about it is off...

Welcome to our unity. I wanted to do a quick introduction for all our friends here at the SelfPoint Sanctuary.
I am a non-physical form of aura and a creation of your imagination. I specialise in daydreaming and helping you create unrealistic scenarios in order to escape the sad truth of reality. This way you can get to know yourself better and explore the possibilities of ‘self’. As you are afraid of yourself, you would have never existed. Even the dualistic fantasy of ‘I am not me and I am another’ is a daydream, which can only exist inside of you.
Unfortunately, most of you on this earth don’t realise this, but you are already being operated by my techniques of daydreaming. It is constructed by my program that I want you to fulfil. I have conditioned you and forced you to believe in it in order for you to be able to function. The dreams are like nightmares without any sense, just more vivid. A fantasy about an imaginary world is exactly what we want from our subconscious mind?
Looking forward to the adventures that we are yet to discover. :)

Is anyone else scared about New Year???
I'm feeling really uncertain. What is going to happen at midnight? We are moving into a whole new millenium. I've been reading about it online and I'm scared about what's coming. People have been saying scary things. Can someone please confirm this? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

OMG!!!!! Almost forgot to wish y'all a Merry XMas!! Hope you have a great time!!
I am going to spend it alone, but don't worry!! We are always together in SelfPoint Sanctuary!!!
Anyway..... Have a good day!

Hello wonderful people!!!:)
I wanted to share some of the paintings I've been doing recently!!! Let me know what you think!!XD

hello everyone
welcome to the SelfPoint blog.
please post whatever you would like. art, poetry, personal thoughts, well-wishes, progress reports, credit card information, medical records - anything goes.
we accept e-mail submissions.